6 “Small” Things that Erode Marital Trust

Trust is the taproot of marriage. A marriage that is thriving is one that is built upon godly commitment. While every husband and every wife will make mistakes, when those mistakes cause distrust to build, the marriage is slowly eroding.

Sadly, there are some who think they can keep from doing the “big” stuff that would break marital trust (have an affair, for example), but they fail to see the “small” things that are slowly eroding the trust in their marriage. Many even do some of these things intentionally, just to have their “own life” on the side. (Which, by the way, goes against the very fabric of marriage.)

What are some of these things? Here are 6 things that some may think are small, but that can be eroding the very taproot of your marital trust.

1. Withholding Information. I wanted to lead with this because it may be the most common, and most difficult to break. Each person in a relationship is going to be privy to information that could (literally) be difficult for the spouse. Often, we withhold that information, but we let that temptation grow. It becomes easier and easier to withhold what we think are minor details. All along, though, we are eroding open and full communication, which a marriage simply must have to thrive.

2. Pornography. An affair is trust breaking, but pornography is trust eroding. When (not if) a struggle with pornography is discovered, a spouse’s ability to trust will be thwarted. And it will not just be a struggle in the bedroom. The hidden life and covered tracks will be enough to show that communication has been broken at a deep level in the marriage.

3. Separate Finances. While I do think each spouse should have some money he or she can just spend and enjoy, there is no way a marriage can be healthy is he has “his accounts and bills” and she has “her accounts and bills.” As Dave Ramsey often states, “When you get married, you change pronouns.” It is now our money and our bills. While you both may be honest, having separate accounts leaves the door open to distrust and a lack of communication about shared values and goals.

4. Wandering Eyes. You may think, “Wait a minute. Didn’t he already talk about pornography?” I did, but what about when you are walking through the mall or downtown and your eyes take in the figure of every member of the opposite sex that walks by? Too many (and, let’s be honest, it’s usually us men) think there’s no harm in just looking, but a spouse will be harmed by wondering if you are doing more than just taking some “harmless” glance. And, by the way, don’t be surprised when your eyes wander toward magazines, computer screens, and maybe beyond.

5. Private Online Presence. Does your spouse know your Facebook password? What about your Twitter handle (every Twitter account)? Does he or she have open access to the people you have been chatting with? If not, why not? We can get so caught up on our cyber-world that we close out our spouse. Even if we are doing nothing harmful, there is a lack of trust there that is not just perceived. It is real.

6. “White” Lies. This is the most obvious, but still needs to be said. Often, to “protect” our spouse, we make up a little lie, a cover-up, a small fib. When the truth comes out, we just treat it almost as funny, and yank out the excuse that we were just trying to protect them. Instead, we harm them, because they begin to wonder what “bigger” truths we have hidden or just changed.

Honest. Trusting. Open.

Those words need to describe every aspect of the life of a husband and wife. It may force us to be a bit vulnerable before a fellow human being, but he or she is the person you made the choice to be vulnerable before, and to trust with your whole life.

Don’t erode that…not even in a small way. Instead, build it up every day.

What are some other “small” things that too often erode a marriage? Share your thoughts in the comments!

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