Disagreeing without Being Disagreeable
Dealing with people, disagreements are sure to come. These disagreements are not always a bad thing, either. If we can keep the conversation civil and informative, we learn a great deal by working through disagreements.
Whether in face-to-face conversations, phone calls, or even through email and social media, disagreements are expressed through words. However, if we are not careful, we can let a disagreement spiral downward into something is unproductive as best, and downright destructive at worst.
Since we know that disagreements are sure to come, how can we still have positive communication experiences? Following are five suggestions, none of which I am perfect at, but that I know will help keep these times as productive as possible.
1. Discuss issues, not personalities. When the discussion turns to the personal, nothing good will come from it. While it is impossible to avoid having a personality, the issue at hand needs to remain the focus, because that issue is what is being disagreed about.
2. Keep the language clear, concise, and clean. When emotions are involved, this can be difficult, but using confusing or even cruel language help nothing. Further, while not everyone has the same “standards” of what is foul language, keeping language as genteel and civil as possible always helps in keeping the focus on the issue. (As a side note, this is one reason I try not to read a lot of blog comments. Too many people use sarcastic or cruel language, instead of clearly and cleanly stating what needs to be said.)
3. Talk about one issue at a time. When I have been asked to help with informal marital counseling***, this is one thing I do my best to insist on. There may be a myriad of issues to work through, but focus on one at a time. There is no reason to try to solve three or four issues at the same time, because it is virtually impossible to gain depth in the conversation. Work through one thing at a time to maintain focus.
4. Use your mind primarily, not your emotions. This is the hardest thing on this list, in my opinion. When we disagree, emotions are naturally in play, but they simply cannot drive the conversation. Emotions that are out of control lead to accusatory language, or phrases like “you never” or “you always.” When emotions are strong, it is also much more difficult to remember the real context of the disagreement. Let the other person know how you feel, but do not let those feelings drive how you express yourself.
5. Remember that non-verbal cues matter, too. Of course, in the digital world, it is impossible to read sarcasm or to see someone roll their eyes or smile as they talk. And that is one reason that face-to-face conversations are always preferred in times of disagreement. They are not always possible, but when people can sit down and talk, we can not only hear what is said, but notice how it is said.
There is nothing wrong with disagreements, and even passionate and heated exchanges are going to happen at times. But God’s people should be the ones who know how to disagree without being disagreeable. It is easier said that done, but with the help of God, it can be done. May we all work to that end.
***When I speak of counseling, I am not a licensed counselor, but am asked quite often to help others. Any suggestions I give are from a person just trying to help, not from one with a degree.
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