Christian Conflict Resolution

In John 17, Jesus prayed what is sometimes referred to as the “high priestly prayer.” My favorite title for this particular prayer is “the real Lord’s prayer.” In that great prayer, Jesus prayed for Himself in the very shadow of the cross. Then, amazingly, He took the time to pray both for those disciples with Him that night and for you and I.

One of the major tenants of that prayer is that Jesus prayed for the unity of those who believed in Him. In fact, He prayed that we would have the same degree of unity as He and the Father had.

But sometimes we don’t. We are people. We sin. We get our feelings hurt. We hurt each other.

As much as we strive for unity and strength, we sometimes have conflict with one another. How are we to handle it? How can Christians resolve conflict?

Jesus gave that answer. In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus lays out the “formula” for resolving conflict.

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

So, the outline of this plan is simple.

1. Go to the offender.

2. If that does not work, take two or three witnesses to establish the charge.

3. If that does not work, tell the offense to the assembly (church).

4. If that does not work, treat the offending brother as an outsider.

That’s the easy answer. It is easy to read those verses and see the “formula.” I want us to see the heart behind the formula.

First, we must have a heart ready to forgive. Did you notice in those verses that you (the offended) are to go to the offender first? That assumes that you want to forgive. You don’t walk through this formula hoping that the person will not repent so you can treat him/her as an outsider! You walk through this formula because you care about his/her soul and your relationship. You need to have a heart ready to forgive.

Second, you go to the person first. Jesus did not say, “After you have broadcast your hurt on Facebook and Twitter, then go to the brother.” If someone sins against you, go to that person first!

Third, this formula assumes a loving family of believers. “Tell it to the church” (literally, “assembly”). We don’t do this much. I’d like to think it is because brothers work out their problems in the earlier “steps” of this formula. More likely, though, it is because we don’t like to air our dirty laundry. If we are a loving family, though, the entire assembly will want to restore this erring brother.

Finally, it assumes we are willing to, and know how to, practice discipline. If that brother will not repent, they are to be treated as an outsider. Very few congregations of the Lord’s people are willing to take those final steps. But, may I suggest to you that, if it goes that far, the person has already become an outsider. They have made that decision, and we need to follow Christ’s commands.

In reality, conflict resolution is hard, but it needs to be done. In verse 20, Christ promised to be there when we go through these meetings. [I have written on that verse before, and you can find that article here.]

But, at its heart, this issue is not only over conflict. It is really over brothers and sisters loving one another well. It is a restoration issue, not an initiative to kick people out of the church.

While Jesus gave the formula, we need to supply the right kind of heart to the process.

QUESTION: What other suggestions would you give when these discussions are made?

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Note: This post is in response to a recent reader suggestion. During July, we will have a total of 8 such posts (this is the 2nd). Thanks to “Bryan” for suggesting this post!

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Photo credit: buddawiggi on Flickr Creative Commons.

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