“For Fun?”
[NOTE: This post is intended for adults to read first. Parents, you may want to use it later to teach your children.]
Leah and I are well-established into raising teenagers now. Mary Carol will be 15 in a few weeks, and Turner turned 13 back in March. That said, for several reasons, they seem to have a little more of their child-like innocence than most other young people their same age (and we are very thankful for that!).
That innocence came through loud and clear a few weeks ago. Our family was watching a TV show together and the couple (husband and wife…we don’t watch shows where it is not husband and wife!) headed to their bedroom and it was pretty clear it was not to fall asleep right away.
I don’t remember what one of our kids said, but it had to do with the couple being a little older and not needing another kid. To me, that opened the door for a short conversation, as both of our teens have started talking a little more about boyfriend-girlfriend stuff and sexual matters.
So, after a brief comment about how sex is not just for having babies, I told our kids, “Mommy and I still do that sometimes.”
The wonderfully innocent question came back from one of our children (I’ll save them embarrassment by not saying which one), “For fun?”
After a laugh, I said, “Yes, for fun, and for other things as well that you’ll understand as you get older.”
We didn’t talk much longer, but I was really glad that we had that short conversation. It made me think a lot about how to talk to our children about this subject, especially as they are clearly growing into “that age” where it will be a curiosity and where so many of their friends are probably talking about it a LOT more.
Here are some things I have thought about as we address this subject.
- Be Biblical. Obviously, this is number one. Our children need to know that the Bible actually talks quite a bit about the subject of sex. It gives God’s parameters for it (one man and one woman within marriage) and also God’s seal of approval for it within marriage. Biblical concepts such as respect for your body and avoiding lust also will need to be addressed.
- Be Child-Appropriate. As I said, our kids seem to be “behind” other children in this subject, and that is just fine with us. But, even among our two kids, one seems to be more curious about sex than the other, and, of course, they are not the same age anyway. While some things need to be talked about as a family, other parts of the conversation need to happen one-on-one or parents-to-one kid, so it is appropriate for them.
- Don’t Try to Cover It All in One Conversation. “The talk” is a horrible idea, in my opinion. Just as you talk about school work or sports or church activities every so often, this needs to be an ongoing conversation. New curiosities arise, friends will talk about having sex, and dating will begin. Each of these times (and more) present new opportunities to expand the conversation, instead of trying to dump it all on your kid at one time.
- Be Honest. This comes from the conversation I mentioned earlier. Now, we did not get into specifics, but we were not going to lie to our children about something so important. Yes, mommy and daddy still do that “for fun.” That’s all they need to know at this point, but they do need to know that, because it is honest. If they have questions about things they hear in movies or songs or from their friends, they need to know that you are going to give them a Biblical and honest answer to their curiosities.
- Avoid Making Sex Sound Gross. Often, in our fight to keep our kids pure until marriage, we make sex sound gross or weird, all the while enjoying it ourselves. That’s dishonest. We need to tell our children what a blessing it is, but how God–Who knows us best–has made it a blessing between a husband and wife only. It’s God’s wedding gift; and since all the gifts He gives are good (cf. James 1:17), it is not gross.
Oh, I am sure there are plenty of other conversations to be had, and I dread them in a lot of ways, but I don’t dread them as much after this funny interaction a few weeks ago. By having our kids come to us with questions, and by simply being open about the subject, we are making it easier on ourselves for future discussions.
And our prayer is, we are being a blessing to our future daughter-in-law and son-in-law, by having children who have a God-directed view of this wonderful blessing…that really IS fun…when done His way.
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AUTHOR: Adam Faughn
