4 Mistakes Husbands Keep Making
Marriage is not easy. No matter how compatible two people might be, and no matter how much they love each other and are good to each other, marriage is going to initiate challenges that will test the very hearts of the two people who are involved. Having been married for over 18 years and having counseled marriages for about the same amount of time, I can tell you that the struggles in marriage are pretty much the same struggles everywhere. It boils down to the differences between men and women, and how they act and what they individually need. With that being said, and with the realization that I often fail in all of these areas, here are some mistakes we as husbands continually make:
1. Husbands are not as kind to their wives as they should be. It is in little remarks. It is in their body language. Unfortunately for some men, it is temper tantrums and foul language. But in any event, women respond better to tenderness and considerate modes of communication. When a woman feels beaten down she is going to shrivel up. She is not going to respond with affection. 1 Peter 3:7 instructs – “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife…” The word “honor” in this passages literally means “understanding the value” of the wife. When we recognize the value of something we treat it with care and protect it. Husbands need to treat their wives better. If they don’t they should not be surprised when she doesn’t want to be intimate.
2. Husbands are not doing the little things enough. Flowers bought to make up for a blunder are not as effective as a card written on a Tuesday afternoon and left on your wife’s car for no reason at all except to praise her or tell her what she means to you. Major purchases and attempts to quickly fix things that have been broken in the relationship for years are not things that will resonate with her as much as you think. There is no quick fix when trust has been lost, or when feelings have been hurt, or when you have patterned bad behavior. But the little things every day are what she needs in order to feel close to you. Getting up to wash the dishes after supper, putting all your clothes away that she has washed and dried and folded, and taking care of her vehicle’s maintenance before she ever knew it was even time are the little things that make her feel like you are what she can’t do without.
3. Husbands are rarely, if at all, romantic. It is amazing how much more romantic boyfriends are than husbands. What a shame! Especially since husbands have rights and boyfriends have none! When you dated you opened doors and planned events that surrounded her favorite things. You daydreamed about her and you texted her all day and told her how much you missed her. You anticipated the very next time you would see her or hear her voice. Stop taking her for granted. Try to win her heart every day. “When you dated” is saying enough in itself. You should never stop courting her. She is the woman you forsook all others for. This means she is special. If she doesn’t make your heart skip a beat then there is something wrong with your heart. Romance is often felt in husbands but it is simply not expressed. If you think she doesn’t need to be told she is pretty, or that you love her, or that you are thankful for her, you are dead wrong. Just because she has heard those things before doesn’t mean she no longer needs to hear them. Chances are that because she hasn’t heard them very often she simply doesn’t feel them anymore.
4. Husbands are not leading spiritually. God gave men the responsibility to lead their families in the Lord. They may work hard and pay the bills. They may be at all the ball games for the kids. They may provide and protect in many areas. But husbands who have no walk with the Lord are not capable of the kind of leadership a family requires. Even if they had no spiritual examples growing up, husbands still need to seek out a relationship with God for themselves and their family. We cannot blame the present and the future on the past. And there is nothing more calming or attractive to a Christian woman than a man who is personally close to God. Prayers should be the norm. He should be a man who studies the Bible for principles by which he will guide the wife and children. When a wife sees a man pray, cry, or be vulnerable to the point that He shows a need for God and for his companion, she will quickly respond to his side and her heart will be involved.
So husbands, there it is. This is not rocket science. Treat her better. Do the little things. Court her hard. And lead her in the Lord. These are not difficult tasks for a man who loves his wife. They are honors and pleasures.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.” – Ephesians 5:25
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