A Tell-Tale Sign of Marriage Problems
Since I am a preacher, it will not surprise you that, from time-to-time, couples come to me asking for some help. In my experience, it is usually more “informal,” where we just talk about something in a casual conversation. There are times, though, when a couple wants to meet for “counseling” (I use quotation marks because I am not a formal, licensed counselor). I am always nervous about these meetings, but glad to try to help where I can.
Typically, I do a whole lot more listening than talking. It is in this listening that one clear sign of marital problems often emerges. In fact, as I’m writing this, I cannot think of a single time when it did not rear its ugly head! It didn’t matter if the couple was talking about financial issues or parental issues; it didn’t matter if they were sharing problems or trust or even intimacy. There is nearly always–if not always–one clear sign of the root of the problem.
What is it? The pronouns being used.
“I,” “me,” “she,” “he,” “him,” and “her” are used constantly. “I just want this.” “All I am asking is that.” “She does this.” “I can’t make him see this.” It’s constant!
What is missing? “We” and “us.”
When a couple begins to think of this as just me vs. him or me vs. her, they start talking that way, and it reveals the biggest problem: selfishness and pride. Too often, the root issue is that “I” want what “I” want and am not so concerned about what is best for “us.”
Do you want to have a better marriage? Check your pronouns. How many times today have you used “we” and “us?” How many times have you just talked about “I” and “me?” Right there might be your problem.
When you start talking about “we” and “us” again, you may figure out that the couple can work through all sorts of issues…a whole lot better than “I” can.
That counseling session? No charge.
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AUTHOR: Adam Faughn
