The Hardest Part of Proverbs 22:6 : How Not to Live Through Your Child

Every child is different. If you don’t believe that, you either don’t have kids or you have only one. It is remarkable how two kids, raising in the same house, can be so different.

But that’s the way God made children. Each one has a certain set of gifts and talents, which are often quite divergent. To use an old word, each one has a certain “bent.”

Sometimes, the “bent” of our children, though, is not the same as one–or both–of the parents, and that can lead to a parenting dilemma.

Proverbs 22:6 is probably the most well-known verse for parents in Scripture. Whether we are aware of it or not, that verse speaks to this idea of the “bent” of our children. Here is that verse from several translations:

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. (ESV)

Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.
(NIV)

Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it. (NKJV)

Point your kids in the right direction—when they’re old they won’t be lost. (The Message)

So, where is the idea of the “bent” of our child in Proverbs 22:6?

It is in the hardest part of the verse to follow: “the way he should go.”

What makes that part of Proverbs 22:6 hard? It’s hard because doesn’t say, “The way I want him to go,” or “The way I feel is best for him.”

Maybe even harder, though, is that it doesn’t say, “The way I wanted to go.”

Ouch.

Obviously, we are not talking about religious training. There is only one way (John 14:6) and that is the way of God through Christ Jesus.

Instead, we are talking about the unique “bent” of your child. Far too many parents want to “bend” their children to be what they were successful at, or (maybe worse) what they were not. Proverbs 22:6 is strictly and clearly telling us not to try to live through our children.

For example, I love sports, and I loved them even more when I was younger. I just don’t have the time to follow them as closely as I used to, but I still greatly love them. I played basketball (my favorite), baseball, soccer, and ran track at various points while I was growing up. I wasn’t very good at any of them, but always enjoyed sports.

Neither of my kids has played a single organized sport yet. They may one day, and we have talked about it, but neither of them shows any interest in any sport.

So, why don’t we just sign them up anyway and make them practice for hours each day to feel some sense of accomplishment in something daddy loved? Because that’s not how they are “bent,” at least at this point in their lives.

Too many dads who never made it to the big leagues try to force their 5 or 6 year old boys to practice for hour after hour. The son may love sports, but he is still just a little boy. He may only want to play for a few minutes, and then move on to something else. What’s so bad about that?

Too many moms never won the big beauty pageant, so they doll up their little girls (and don’t get me started on the “preferred look” in these contests!) when they are tiny, and put them in every contest imaginable, even if the girl is bored with it. Why? Because mom wants to win.

These are just two examples, but we can all think of a hundred more. God has especially wired your child to express himself or herself in a unique way, and that way could change over time. Maybe my artistic son will love to shoot hoops one day, or maybe he’ll pick up piano. Maybe my doll-playing little girl will want to pick up a softball glove one day, or maybe she’ll love to volunteer at the hospital.

Are sports wrong for kids? No, but not every kid is “bent” that way. Are piano lessons or academic tutors wrong for children? Nope, but again, your kid may not have that “bent.”

The key is to take whatever their “bent” is and bend it toward God.

How can that child best express their faith in the Lord on the ball field? In their art? While playing with friends? While volunteering or doing service projects?

I need to remind myself as a parent, God told me to notice the “bent” of my children and point them in that direction, while always pointing their feet toward Him.

Let’s stop trying to live through our children, and let’s make sure Proverbs 22:6 applies to our children, so that, when they are old, they are still using their “bent” to praise the Lord and win others for Him.

QUESTION: What are some tips for parents on how to avoid living through our children, while helping them discover their unique “bent?” Share your thoughts in the comments!

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Photo credit: Bob on Creative Commons

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